Work is murder
Date created: 29th July 2012 Status: INCOMPLETE... I don't know where I was going with this lol. Attempted crazy comedy? INT. 'MUSICVERSE' MUSIC STORE, PUNKSDALE - MORNING Jason, Krissie and Karl are all yellow in blue polo shirts at the counter. Karl: Of all the places to gain work experience, you pick HERE? Jason: Duh! I'm surrounded by CDs! CDS!!! And when Jameson asked if I'd like anyone to join me for the day I picked you guys for various reasons I can't remember now! Karl: I hate you. Jason: I know! Krissie: I thought you liked music Karl? Or is that still your closet hobby? Hahaha! Karl: Ugh. I like MUSIC. I don't like standing around watching people browse through CDs for 2 hours then walk out without buying anything, knowing damn well they're just making mental lists to DOWNLOAD THEM AT HOME!! Krissie: Ce la vie. But they still come for fresh air, no? Karl rolls his eyes. A customer comes in... male, 50's, Dressed in dark clothes, wearing a wooly hat and looking rather edgy. Jason: Good morning sir! Looking for anything in particular? Karl: Cash maybe? Pfft. The man pulls out a gun and aims for Jason. Man: Gimme everything in the cash register! NOW! They all blink. Then Jason and Krissie start laughing. Krissie: Oh honey! So sorry, but we've taken literally nothing all morning! Feel free to steal a few CDs though. You can sell them, hmm? Man: ... This isn't a joke missy! Krissie opens the cash register and smiles. The man goes over and looks in. There's at least $80. Man: You li!- Krissie whacks him across the head with a guitar. He collapses to the ground. Karl kicks the man. He doesn't flinch. Jason: Woo! We killed him!... Wait. WE KILLED HIM?!??! Krissie: Oh don't be silly! He's just unconscious. Karl stares at the man for a moment. Karl: He's kinda not breathing. Krissie: Hmm?? (stares)... Holy sh*t I've killed someone!!! Jason: Krissie, he was gonna kill US. Plus LOOK at him! He obviously has no life, or family or friends! (sniffs) And he stinks! Krissie: Oh god! OK Krissie, just calm down, calm down... Oh f*ck it! What do we do!??!?! (grabs Jason's collar and shakes him) Karl: Bury him somewhere, duh. Krissie: I don't wanna touch him! Jason: Me neither! He totally reeks, ugh! Karl: Well we can't just leave him here you idiots! Jason and Krissie exchange looks. CUT TO - They've somehow dressed the man in an Elvis Presley costume, with sunglasses on. And put him on a seat with the guitar in his hands that Krissie hit him with. Jason: There ya go! No one'll notice him! Karl: Except maybe the police you f*cksh*t. Krissie: Ooh, or Elvis fans! Jason: Oh my god! What about the police that ARE Elvis fans??? We're doomed! (cries) I can't go to jail! I have to go to Uni and become famous and make millions and do things for charity! Krissie: (takes breathe) OK. Everyone just calm down... (looks at Karl who's bored) Jason, calm down. Karl: Ugh, like I said! Just get him out of here! Jason: YOU get him outta here then! There has to be at least one person behind the counter at all times. The man flops off the chair and thuds on the ground. Jason and Krissie scream. Krissie: Screw that! Karl, you carry him, um, somehow. Jason check the coast is clear and I'll lock up! Jason: The coast is always clear at Punksdale's Crystal Coast! Tis a beautiful, almost tropical beach that- Karl: Get outside and look around for people you d*ckwad! Jason: Don't kill me! Oh wait, Krissie's proven to be more capable of murder than YOU are. Whoa! (smiles) Krissie: Oh hush! I'm trying to think, ugh. This is already insanely farfetched (face palms). Part 2 EXT. NEARBY WOODS OR WHATEVER Jason and Karl have managed to drag the man dressed as Elvis on their shoulders to said woods. They quickly drop him. Jason: Quick! Dig! Karl: We don't have shovels? Jason: F*CK! Now what?? Krissie: Just um, leave him here? Oh god, me and my instincts! I shoulda just gave him the damn money. Jason: Whacking him over the head and killing him was waaay funnier! (grins) Krissie: Jason! Jason: Sorry (cowers). Karl: For f*ck sake. Lets just GO before anyone sees us! How we weren't seen in the first place is inaccurate enough. Krissie: I can't live with this kind of guilt! Oh why couldn't I have murdered my dad instead?! Karl: Murdering your dad would be less guilt than murdering an anonymous psycho thief? Jason: (whispers) Long story. Krissie: Why are we standing here?? C'mon, move it, go!! She grabs Karl and Jason and pushes them ahead. INT. MUSICVERSE STORE - AN HOUR LATER Krissie: Maybe we SHOULD bury him. But how?? Ugh, I can't take anymore, my head's killing me! Karl: Or maybe we should completing f*cking forget about it! Krissie: Karl, I killed someone! You can't just forge- Sammi and Scott come in. Krissie: Sammiiii!! Is it lunch break already? Sammi: Nah, free period. Thought we'd come see how your work experience is going (looks around empty store)... You're err, very busy I see. Jason: Extremely! We haven't even had time to kill anyone! (grins) Krissie keeps smiling and steps on Jason's foot. Jason: Ow! A... CD fell down. He goes under the counter. Krissie also kneels down. Krissie: Can you keep anything to yourself?? Mention or hint for one moment so help me I'll kick your balls in. Jason: ... I normally find it saucy when you say that. She rolls her eyes and they get back up. Sammi eyes them suspiciously. Scott: So um, ever consider working here full time? Jason: Totally! You shoulda joined us Scott! We coulda done with a big, buff guy like you to-(Krissie narrows her eyes at him) to restack the shelves! Sammi: The shelves look overstocked as is... Anyway, where can I find the Nickelback CDs? Since you obviously know this store inside-out by now (smiles). Jason: Errrr, oh! Under the gigantic 'N' over there! Sammi: Handy (cocks brow). Scott: Hehe, yeah... Still um, joining us for lunch? Krissie: Sure! I'm starving, ugh. I skipped breakfast to get here on time. Jason: Yeah! Traumatic drama sure makes you hungry! Krissie snarls and stamps on Jason's foot. Sammi: Babe, what the f*ck is he hinting at? Krissie: Nothing! Haha, you know Jason, he's always being (turns to Jason) a balabbermouth idiot!! Jason clams his lips and starts turning blue. Krissie: Oh for- (face palms). Jason: There was this crazy stinking old guy that came in and he had a gun and was just about to kill us so Krissie tricked him about the money and whacked him with a guitar and killed him so we dressed him up as Elvis so no one would see him but then Police fans so we dragged him to the woods to leave him to die and wait a minute! We'll totally be fired for loosing the costume!!! (claws head) Sammi and Scott blink. Sammi: Jason... Are you taking drugs? (blank stare) You can tell us you know. We won't care. Seriously. It'll explain a lot. Krissie: We can't get fired when we don't even WORK here Jason! (just laughs). Scott: W-wait, you actually... killed someone?? Krissie: Yep! It's old news now honey, I'm over it. Sammi: Krissie! What the actual F*CK?!?!!? Scott: Um, guys, off topic, but, where's Karl? Jason: Oh he's probably gone to confess to the police. Hey it's lunch time! I so want a smoothie right now! Sammi: Whoa whoa whoa wait a minute!! Babe. You're seriously saying there's some dead guy out there in an Elvis costume? Krissie: Well, when you put it that way! (laughs) Sammi: For the love of-What about his family huh? You can't just dump him! W-What the- Krissie: Sammi, you missed a tiny little detail here hon: He was going to shoot us!! Sammi: F*CK! Look, we should at least pretend to find him and report it to the cops, yeah? Krissie: Ha! Coz we totally wont look suspicious. A bunch of teens in the woods find a dead man. It already sounds like Scary movie! Jason: Oh my god! You're right! And everyone suspects the closet gay guys... Scott, we're doomed!! Scott?? Krissie: Hmm?? Where'd Scott and Karl go? Jason: Wait! Maybe Karl's gay! It all makes sense now! Sammi: You... Keep telling yourself that (squirms at Jason). Part 3 EXT. NEARBY WOODS - HOUR LATER OR SOMETHING Jason, Krissie and Sammi are trying to figure out where they put the man. Krissie: Oh damn it! I'm sure he was here, these trees all look the same! Jason: I know! They're like anime characters! Krissie: Karl! Scott! Are you guys here?! Jason: Oh Scoooott! I have fairy cakes for you! Sammi: Say whut? Jason: He loves 'em. Sammi: A gay boxer who loves fairy cakes. How unstereotypical of him. Krissie: This is ridiculous. I was sure it was right here but-Hey! The sunglasses! Sammi: Someone's already found him... Jason: Or maybe-maybe! HE'S A ZOMBIE!! Sammi: You been awake at 3am? There's a lot of zombies dressed as Elvis around. Jason: What if they've taken his body to the cops? They'll find out where the costume comes from and arrest us! Sammi: Wow really? Anyone coulda bought that thing, idiot. Wait... Exactly! Eye witnesses can easily say there was a man went in the store, then YOU can say he stole the costume and ran out. He coulda been killed or dragged here by anyone. Gets you guys off the hook. Krissie: Ha! If there was any eye witnesses, which I seriously hope not... They woulda seen Karl and Jason dragging him out the damn store! Sammi: Pfft. If I was with you I woulda been a bit more discreet babe. Or would have stood up to him and politely asked him to leave. If he didn't, yeah, I woulda whacked him with a guitar too, probably. Krissie: Oh damn it all! Lets just find Scott and Karl and get the hell outta here. Sammi: Can't run away from your problems babe. Krissie: I'm not running! I'm gracefully giving up and assuming he's been eaten by wolves (grins). Speaking of eating, I'm soo hungry, ugh! Sammi: Either way, you're both in deep sh*t. If by some chance he IS alive, he'll go to the cops. If he's dead, someone'll TAKE him to the cops. Krissie: I knooow! Oh damn it damn it damn it! I mean seriously, can a blow to head actually KILL someone? HA! I had no idea! Jason: Haven't you ever watched CSI: Miami? Krissie: I can't get the channel in my area! F*cking satellite. What am I talking about? TV is the last of our worries right now!! Part 4 INT. PUNKSDALE POLICE STATION - MEANWHILE Karl strolls in to find a few cops on their lunch break. Karl: Was there, by any chance, an old guy dressed as Elvis brought in, dead or alive? (straight faced) Cop #1: Oh yeah! We sent him off to the hospital. Haha, he was out of it! Cop #2: Mmm. Some guy brought him in, said he was just wandering in the woods and shouting... Why? (eyes Karl) Karl: Just... Wondering. Cop #2: Oh really? Because he had a big bruise on his head too. Wouldn't know anything about it, would you? (leans forward) Karl just shrugs and heads back out. Cop #2: I asked you a question young man. Karl: I don't f*cking know. Cop #1: Hey! Watch your language little boy, or we'll call your mommy! Karl: Eat sh*t. Karl snarls and rushes out before they respond. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN PUNKSDALE CITY - MEANWHILE Jason, Sammi and Krissie are still searching for Karl and Scott. Sammi: Pfft, I bet my A$$ Karl's gone to the f*cking cops! That little snitching jerk! Krissie: Well he's welcome to! After all, he's the only one that actually TOUCHED the guy, HAHA! His prints'll be on the costume, so he's putting HIMSELF in deep poop, now isn't he? Jason: Hello! I touched him too! I coulda puked on him as well but, ya know, EVIDENCE!! Sammi: Ahaa. Either way, there's no way Krissie's getting the blame for this! Krissie grabs Sammi by his jacket collar, startling him. Krissie: Really Sammi?? REALLY?? (grinning) Because of my quick witted stupidity a, probably-innocent-apart-from-the-whole-store-robbing-thing, man is DEAD!! I am soo going down for murder, oh joy! (laughs head off) Jason: She's... gone insane! Sammi: For once. I agree with you. INT. PUNKSDALE GENERAL HOSPITAL - A BIT LATER Karl casually walks in and to the reception desk, with a similar question. Karl: Where can I find the guy dressed as Elvis? Receptionist: Hahahahhaa, oh. Seriously? Karl: ... Receptionist: He's been discharged actually! To a mental hospital. Karl: What?? Receptionist: Are you a relative? Oh my goodness, so sorry! But he was acting rather strange, he actually thought he was Elvis. Karl: O... K. And err, yeah. I'm his, nephew... Where's this Mental hospital then? EXT. SOMEWHERE IN CITY - MEANWHILE Sammi: Babe, listen to me! Sammi is holding Krissie's wrists to calm her down. Krissie: I AM listening! Oooh, I can normally focus damn it! But this is just too much! Sammi: Look. Forget it. We went back. We looked. He wasn't there. We can assume he's dead and hope fingerprints can disappear or some sh*t. And if he's alive- Jason: We can kill him?! So he doesn't rat us out to the cops! Sammi: Shut the f*ck up!! And like I said, Karl's probably been and snitched on Krissie anyway! Krissie: OK Krissie, relaaaax (takes breathe)... And if Karl has snitched on me, I will happily whack him over the head with a guitar too! (grins) Sammi glares sternly at her. Krissie: What? Haha... Part 5 CONT. CUT TO - Jason, Sammi and Krissie are rushing through the city. Sammi: OK. Just get back to the store. Don't give it another thought, unless something actually happens. Which... It inevitably will. Krissie: That makes me feel SO much better honey! (rolls eyes) Jason: My mom is totally gonna kill me if she finds out I helped murder someone! Sammi: Oh the irony. They get to the store. Krissie and Jason run inside, Sammi keeps walking ahead. Krissie: H-Hey! Where the heck you going? Sammi: To find Karl, duh! He spins around only to find Karl standing 10 feet in front of him. Sammi: (blinks) F*ck did you come from??? Karl marches up to him, groaning. Then slaps a small note in Sammi's face. It has an address on it. Sammi: F*ck's this? Karl: Well f*ck, I don't f*cking know, do I f*ck f*ckedy f*ck! Can you like, NOT swear for 5 minutes?? Sammi: You MAKE me swear you little sh*t! Where you been huh?? The cops?! Karl: Yes. Sammi: I'll f*cking- (raises fist) Karl: You'll f*cking WHAT? He-Man? Krissie: OK seriously! Enough swearing guys, you sound pathetic. And Sammi, he ain't worth your energy hon. Sammi: What you told 'em? Karl: Jacksh*t. I only asked where the old guy WAS. Apparently he's lost his memory and gone crazy and is now in a Mental hospital. Krissie: ... I... I'm not wanted for murder?? Oh god what a relief! (drops shoulders) But I'm still wanted for destroying a man's life right? Oh wait, I don't think they can arrest me for that! Sammi: Babe, this is kinda, like, serious. Krissie: Laughing is the only way I deal with sh*t like this, OK? Jason: So the guy seriously doesn't remember anything?? Whoa. Karl: Nope. But we should still find him and make sure... Sammi: Pfft, what do you care if Krissie gets sent down?! Karl: I don't, duh! I'm still a witness though, sh*thead. Krissie: (grins) As much as I completely despise you Karl, you have a point. But what if his memory comes back?? He's bound to tell the cops everything! Sammi: Babe... He tried to rob the store and kill you all. (smirks) He ain't tellin' 'em nothin'. INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL SOMEWHERE - MEANWHILE The oldish man, still dressed as Elvis, is in a hospital bed looking very comfortable. Someone comes to his bed with a glass of water. Man: Thanks kid... I'm glad you stopped me from going to the cops. Like you said, I was in the wrong thieving in the first place... I just needed money. Shelter. Food. And where better to get that than here?! Heh, they might not let me stay for long but it was worth acting crazy for (smiles). The camera reveals Scott standing beside his bed. Scott: Hehe, you're not as um, rough? As you look. And I understand... When you're desperate you can find yourself doing some crazy things (rubs neck)... Man: Tell me about it. Your girlfriend sure had some guts hitting me like that. Scott: Hehe, um, she's not my girlfriend. But yeah, she's quite um, daring sometimes. Man: Yeah, haha... And don't worry, I won't mention any of this to anyone. Scott: B-But what about the bruise on your head? Man: Baah, it's fine. It'll heal. Like I said, I'm happy to have a bed for the night! (puts hands behind head) Part 6 INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL - AFTERNOON BY NOW? Jason, Sammi, Krissie and Karl calmly go to the reception desk. Sammi: Hey err, where might we find some guy dressed as Elvis? Receptionist: And YOU are? Karl: I'M his nephew! The man's nephew. Receptionist: Mhmmm. Does this 'man' have a name then? Karl: He's lost his memory. He can't remember his name. So he wont be on your system. Receptionist: So how do YOU know where he is? Karl: How many people dressed as Elvis do you see around here? Receptionist: (shrugs) A few. Karl: (rolls eyes) Well there's only been one today right? Where is he, huh?? Receptionist: I can't just let you in, especially since you obviously don't know the man. Karl: I'm his nephew! Sammi: You gotta let him see him uncle miss! Can't you see that poor old man is slowly deteriorating while his little, precious, 9 year old nephew is so upset he can't do anything but burst into fits of rage! (smiles) Karl: F*ck you! Receptionist: Can you leave now please. Sammi: Whoa whoa no! OK, we're lying, we don't know him! But err, we saw him earlier, we were, worried? (nervous smile) Receptionist: For the last time- ???: W-What're you guys doing here? They all turn around, only to find Scott coming out one of the corridors. Jason: Looking for you!! (grins) No wait! We weren't, we shoulda been! Gaah, I'm a useless boyfriend! Jason runs at him and flings his arms around Scott's neck. Jason: I'm never letting go of you ever again! Ahuuu... You smell like aftershave (nosebleeds, sticks tongue out). Scott squirms and struggles to breathe. Krissie: What ARE you doin' here hon? Scott: I-I um- Sammi: Jason for f*ck sake! Jason: Ahuu, sorry! (lets Scott go). Scott: I-I was with that man that tried to rob you guys. He's pretty nice actually! He only did it coz he had no money, um, obviously. Anyway I saw him outside the woods and convinced him not to go to the police. He knew he'd get in trouble too, so pretended to be crazy to get into hospital. Since hospital's a pretty comfy place to be, especially if you have nowhere else to go... Sammi: O... K... what the hell were you doing near the woods in the first place? Scott: Um, looking for Karl, remember. I thought he might, err- Karl: Might what? Scott: (sweats) I dunno! I thought you might have gone to move or even bury the body. I was anxious, OK? But when I saw the Elvis man I was just confused. Krissie: I think we're all confused now honey! HA! Category:Episodez Category:Practice episodez